“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.
"We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”
Dave Barry
I have a friend whose only purpose in life is to have a good time.
Sadly, in order to have a good time, he needs money.
But, in order to have money, he needs to work, which greatly diminishes his opportunities for having a good time.
Such a vicious cycle!
I don't care if you are for the war in Afghanistan or against it, this is some dumb stuff right here:
c No night or surprise searches.
c Villagers have to be warned prior to searches.
c ANA or ANP must accompany U.S. units on searches.
c U.S. soldiers may not fire at the enemy unless the enemy is preparing to fire first.
c U.S. forces cannot engage the enemy if civilians are present.
c Only women can search women.
c Troops can fire at an insurgent if they catch him placing an IED but not if insurgents are walking away from an area where explosives have been laid.
This makes me so sad for those brave men and women who are required to serve in such a meaningless, politically sullied war!
So many will die...and for what?
Make some noise, people!
This was the actual forecast for Las Vegas on Weatherbug this morning:
"Rain likely early in the morning...then rain in the late morning and afternoon. Rain in the evening...then a chance of rain showers and snow after midnight."
Dude...why couldn't they have said something like, "Rain all day and night. Deal with it!"
Or, "You'll need an umbrella!"
Why so many words to say, "It's raining!"
Maybe they felt a need to justify their jobs.
Speaking of justifying their jobs...is it just me, or are sports announcers/commentators unusually terrible this season?
Come on, now.
Boring, uncreative, largely inarticulate!
My answer?
I think they should be able to randomly insert, "That's what she said," whenever appropriate.
It would liven up their babbling considerably.
But that's just me.
Have you ever had this happen:
CO-WORKER: "You know Lindy?"
ME: "Uh..."
CO-WORKER: "Lindy...Lindy!"
ME: "No, I don't believe so."
CO-WORKER: "Come on, you know Lindy."
ME: "No, I don't."
CO-WORKER: "Lindy...cute girl, always carries a backpack?"
ME: "Dude! I've never known anyone named Lindy in my entire life!"
CO-WORKER: "Oh...well...I saw her today."
What the heck is that about????
Have you ever been typing along, paying close attention to the page you're copying like we were all taught in school, and glance up at your screen to find out that somehow the cursor has jumped up into the middle of the previous paragraph and you have an entire section of text that doesn't belong there?
Have you ever done that?
Seriously!
How the heck does that happen??
It's a complete mystery to me.
Help me out here.
I really need to know.
I have come to the conclusion that, in my life anyway, success is measured by how many "guys" I have.
You know what I'm talking about.
"Your dishwasher stopped working? I'll call my guy."
"Your bank account's messed up? I'll call my bank guy."
I've got a yard guy, tile guy, paint guy, car guy, IT guy, carpet guy, plumbing guy, electrical guy...
The only problem is...everyone has those guys!
But, what if I had some really unusual guys?
Like, "Oh, you're stranded in Mozambique? Sit tight, I'll call my guy."
"You're stuck in a drainage pipe? Hang on, I'll call my guy."
"You're being attacked by a what? Oh, a Panther? No prob, I'll call my big cat guy."
Compete with that!!
Here's the way this works, people...the one with the most "guys" wins.
Am I right about this, or what?
Attention Summerlin Hospital.
Thank you for advertising your hospital on TV. In the event of an emergency I was originally planning on going to the one five minutes from my house, but now I'm definitely planning on going the extra 20 miles to yours instead!!!
Sincerely yours...
So, the last time I set my alarm--which is quite rare given my dysfunctional sleep cycles--when I made the move to turn it off, I realized that not one, but both of my arms were asleep.
Once quite useful, my arms became, as one person has termed it, "windmills of destruction!"
The items on my nightstand stood no chance whatsoever ending up in a tangled, shattered mess on the floor.
But, at least I got up on time.
Here's an idea for health care reform...
You know those annoying commercials advertising diseases that never even existed before some enterprising pharmaceutical company invented a pill to "cure them?"
Get those things the heck off of my TV!
Especially the one where "Bob" smiles like an idiot the entire time.
I mean, we're all happy for you, Bob, but it's a simple case of over-share.
Come on, people!
Health care reform.
Let's fight for this.
I'd feel 100% better just not seeing all the possible diseases I could have.
